Day 17

Yesterday started so rough. I woke up crying, I called my mom crying, I called my in laws crying, and then I realized you really gotta quit all that crying. It’s been so mentally hard and I have these moments where I feel like I’m invincible and so strong and can endure any kind of pain as long as I can get to my people but today I wanted to give up so many times it was stupid; and I hate admitting that. It makes me feel like I’m failing when I do because “I’m so strong” but I’m not. I’m just doing what I can to not totally let go and lose control. I’ve been placed in so many situations in my life where I felt so out of control that I flipped my mind frame to this is the life I’ve always dreamed of I’m controlling the narrative here. With a help from upstairs of course.  But that’s the thing with flipped houses is they eventually get wear and tear too. 

I thought back to something my therapist said about how you can have this wheel of self care. And if you tell and do all of the negative things for self care then you’re not helping your perspective, but if you start getting that shower, setting a timer to read a book, catch a nap, paint your nails etc if you start doing those the wheel will keep spinning in that direction but if you keep going down the other one it’ll get out of control fast. So I got up, still shed some tears (S was playing strange with mommy on the phone and it hurt my heart.) and then I crawled in the bath despite fighting myself for a while on it because I had a shower the night before, I felt tired, I just woke up. Excuses excuses. 

Got in, dropped the bath bomb in and listened to music. There’s a funny quote from a conversation that played in my mind from my girlfriends group chat the night before that I implemented. “It’s not like you’re going to bawl your eyes out listening to WAP” so that’s just what I did. Music just makes your soul and emotion change so I was listening, bathing, and then afterwards I had emails. I started to realize I’m feeling a bit mentally better and I will get through this.

I’ll keep trying this everyday if my brain will let me... but tonight I’m sad and my heart is aching. Yes there is a cool interview posted of us and I hope and pray that something beautiful can be made of all of our year. I just know that stories helped me heal and I hope it could for others as well. I said a prayer in my subconscious today about S playing strange and geez I needed tonight. 

I FaceTimed F and S was in his lap taking a bottle. She shot up from the bottle to look at me on the phone and got all excited. It immediately made the tears well up in my eyes. Once it came around for bedtime I started singing for her and she reached out and touched my face on the phone (S touches faces when she loves or is affectionate about them; I’ve only seen her do this for a few people but mama always does 😝). F and I immediately welled up with tears together. Our call got disconnected so I called back. S heard me through the ear piece and got excited again reaching for the phone. I could hear her little fingers tapping on the microphone. F held his phone to her ear and let me sing to her a while. He said she never took her eyes off of the phone. 

My heart yearns for her so much and it was reassuring tonight to know hers yearns for me as well. My sweet angel.