Day 19

 After my symptoms eased up for a day or so they decided to come right back. My head is back to pounding, the brain fog comes and goes, my intestinal issues are so bad, and the cough still present. Great... I’m going to be in here forever. 

I’m fairly certain my brain has decided to run wild. Last night I had a panic attack and had dark thoughts but not in a “I want to kilo myself kind of way” I value my life but in a “I need to get outta here!” Kind of way. I’m starting to really understand why prisoners who go through solitary or people who do have mental issues afterwards. Yes I’m more connected I have my phone, someone bringing me food, a window but eventually all of those things get tiresome. Double that with a virus that’s attacking your body and I think we’d all go a little loopy. 

I write because it tells me my brain hasn’t fully checked out and that’s a good thing. I write because then I can tell my brain what I’m grateful for and I can remind myself of those things over and over. 

I am grateful for my child 

I am grateful for my partner who also is able to take care of our baby so she’s not alone in this time 

I am grateful that both of them are well 

I am grateful for family and friendships that write, message, call, do drop offs, errand runs, and deliveries. 

For even these things alone I am so rich and eternally grateful for. 

Things are bad but they could always be worse and sometimes In my case they sometimes do get worse but I can do this. 

I just need to keep reminding myself I can do this. 

I just feel so robbed of so much time with my baby that I can never get back, and that’s what breaks my heart.